


The Wizard and the Druid

by Pojo



Category: The Order of the Stick
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-18 20:21:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2361074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pojo/pseuds/Pojo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A random encounter that was anything but random</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wizard and the Druid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ilbandornisin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilbandornisin/gifts).



”,...And strike leafy death upon all who oppose them! Thus commands Leeky Windstaff, evil gnome druid! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”   
  
The gnome's throaty, villainous laugh echoed through the tunnels, playing off the ceiling and walls as he tilted back his head, listening to himself. “Ha ha!” he added, as the sound slowly faded. “Ha HA!” he interjected further. 

 

Before him, a red-robed elf with an ambiguous expression and equally ambiguous gender straightened from a crouch, tucking roots and stones into pockets. A small, ruffled black bird – a wizard's familiar – was perched on the elf's shoulder, whispering the common tongue into a pointy ear. Brushing back a strand of purple hair, elf and bird waited patiently for the gnome to finish.   
  
“Thank you,” Vaarsuvius said, choosing words carefully “For that... succinct... summary of your plan-”   
  
“And your alignment, race and class!” added Blackwing, “cause, let me tell you, I was hurting there trying to remember.”

  
“...But, really, this is of no concern to us. If you and your two... what was it?”  
  


“Xorn.” the gnome gestured at the strange, barrel-shaped clusters of silicate guarding his sides, both of whom were extending each of their three arms outward in a menacing and ridiculous show of brawn. Their outsider nature was apparent in the consistency of their stony skin and the strange, not-quite reptilian eyes extending from their cylindrical torsos. The one on the left made a noise, not unlike a trumpet player being squashed by a large boulder.  
  
“Xorn, yes – truly, a masterful showing of this natural world order you espouse. As I was saying, if you and your Xorn will see fit to let us pass, then truly, we will leave you in peace, and whatever dire folly you plan to visit upon this desert can proceed unthwarted.”  
  
“What do you mean, whatever dire folly? I just told you what it was!”   
  
“Really?” the elf blinked.   
  


“Yes!” the gnome shouted. “It was the MOST DIRE of follies!”   
  


“My apologies. I confess, my mind was elsewhere, and the numerous figurative references to foliage in your villainous diatribe may have literally obscured your intent. Regardless, I have acquired the components I need, and must return to the air before the Mechane reaches the appropriate exit velocity to outrun my personal flight spells.”   
  
“It's alright, Vaarsuvius,” the raven said, “I wasn't listening either.”   
  
Leeky stomped the ground, his face turning a deep shade of crimson. “Nature shall not be ignored! The earth will spell your doom today!”  
  
“Hey, no, wait!” Blackwing said, spreading his wings wide. “We're totally protecting the earth! Tell him, V!”  
  
“Truly, the quest upon which we have embarked will likely have significant repercussions as to the fate of creation, to which the 'natural' world, as you so drolly have categorized that which exists beyond the checks and balances of the equally natural creations of civilized humanoids, is a part.”  
  
“Nature shall NOT be talked down to!”  
  
Vaarsuvius sighed. “Fine. So be it. If we have yet another showdown to face with yet another insufferable blowhard, let us cease bandying about our air and finish this business post-haste!”  
  
“Blow-hard!” the gnome yelled, turning a bright shade of purple. “Blow-hard! I will show you a blow-hard!”  
  


Blackwing blinked. “Wait, you think you can outword my wizard? I gotta tell you pal, that's really not gonna happen.”  
  
“Enough of both your blather. Companion! Strike!”   
  
The gnome extended a finger, and a large brown hawk swooped into the tunnel, talons outstretched. “Ah, crap!” Blackwing said, fluttering back off his wizard's shoulder as the hawk made a beeline for him.   
  
“Gust of Wind.” Vaarsuvius said, waving a finger lazily. A blast of air struck the hawk as it passed and sent it screeching beak over talon down a side tunnel. The elf's eyes never left the druids.  
  
“Whoa, nice save!” Blackwing said, swooping in closer to his wizard.  
  
The gnome's face darkened even further. “No save can save you now! The power of the elements will strike you down! Shapeshift!”  
  
The gnome's form blurred, the purple of his enraged face fading to a bluish tint. The blurring form broke apart entirely, then burst into a cloud of spiraling dust.

 

The raven stared. “Is he... is he a giant whirlwind?”  
  
“In the interest of brevity I shall make a heartfelt attempt to place the answer to your question in a mere three words,” Vaarsuvius replied. “Quickened Expeditious Retreat!”

  
“Um... Ok, that was technically three words, but – woah!”

 

Snatching Blackwing out of the air, the elf turned and charged deeper into the tunnel, the roaring whirlwind following behind them.

  
\---  
  
They fled, the wind whipping at their heels. As the elf sprinted down the corridor, Blackwing flopped over V's shoulder, letting out an exasperated grunt. “Agh, hey, what's going on? I can fly, you know.”

  
“Yes, but not at the considerable speed with which an elemental can. For that, we must make use of this spell's limited base enhancement by multiplying its effectiveness - ergo, the brisk landward pace at which we are proceeding.”  
  
“Whoa, yeah, the ground is just whipping by...” the bird said, turning a little green. “Urp...”

 

Vaarsuvius sighed. “Please direct all liquid projectiles in the vicinity of our pursuers.”  
  
“Can... can do, pal... just... caw, caw, caw... horf!”  
  
Behind them, the wind shrieked at a higher, more tormented pitch.   
  
“Oh, that's just... just don't look back at that, OK?” The raven peered back in the direction of Vaarsuvius' sprint. “That thing is still pretty close. Do you have a plan for when we hit a dead end? Like, say, that big cavern straight up ahead?”  
  
“As a matter of fact, yes. Wall of Force!”

  
The two skidded into the cavern as a pink wall of entirely invisible force thudded into place, sealing off the tunnel mouth. Setting Blackwing gently on the ground, Vaarsuvius began casting enhancement spells, ignoring the shrieks and scrapes on the other end. The green spirals of nausea faded from Blackwing's head, and he resumed his flight.  
  
“So... wow. Leeky Windstaff in the middle of the desert. What are the odds?”  
  
“Given our propensity to let recurring villains escape and the frequency with which said villains have deigned to reappear, well higher than 85%.” V said, applying Stoneskin to the pair of them. “We are merely lucky that the dwarven cleric is not with him.”  
  
“Man, he was pissed, though! Did you have to get him angry like that?”  
  
“I did, in fact, have to get him angry – and exactly like that.” Another pink burst of magic suffused the air. “The druid mentioned he had recently acquired the ability to take elemental form. As such, it was necessary to goad him into the least threatening of those available forms, an act which was accomplished through both verbal cues and an appropriate elemental challenge of force. By wounding his expansive ego, I convinced him to assume the form of an Air Elemental, as opposed to that of one of Earth, which in addition to being far more physically formidable, would allow him full access to this room through its unique abilities.”  
  
“Unique abilities?” Blackwing said.  
  
“Yes, such elementals can move through stone as though it were the very air that they breathed. In an underground environment such as this, such a form would be clearly superior.”  
  
“Earth-walking, huh. Kinda like those barrel-things are doing right now?”

  
The bird pointed, indicating the nearest Xorn as it stretched an arm out through the wall.  
  
Vaarsuvius sighed. “Yes, exactly like that. Disintegrate!”  
  
\---  
  


Outside, the wind raged, shrieking against the wall. From around the corner, a red-haired humanoid with a single pointy ear and gaudy purple robes leaned in. “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Pompei said, shielding his mouth from the dust. “What is going on in here! My robes are doing a Marilyn – Leeky, is that you?  
  
The wind turned, blowing towards the half-elf in an angry shriek as it slowly reformed into a similarly shrieking gnome. “Bah, puny mortal!”  
  
“Oh, you... can turn into a tornado now. Sure, that's probably absolutely a thing that druids can do.” He brightened. “Oh, hey! Is that a wall of force! Those are so cool.”  
  
The gnome banged his staff against the wall. “This” *thump* “-accursed wall is the only barrier between me and that” *thump thump* twice-accursed wizard, Vaarsuvius! And his thrice-accursed mouthy bird!” *thump thump thump thump thump*  
  
“Big V is here?” Pompeii said, suddenly looking very nervous. “Um, you're kicking her ass, right? Because I only have one Expeditious Retreat prepared, and I'm pretty sure hers will last a lot longer than mine.”  
  
“Of course I am! I have two Xorn already within the combat zone. One has fallen, and returned to the place from whence it came, but the other is in melee range. My companion is circling around through a tunnel that leads in from up above. The elf should be incapacitated within minutes, if not less.”  
  
“So, um... need any help?”  
  
“If you could be of any consequence to this fight, I would have brought you in.”  
  
“Ouch. OK, I'll just... I'll just be in the other room then.”  
  
“Stay if you must. The wall will be down in a matter of rounds. Hold. Hold! My companion is injured – no! Tony! Something has gone wrong.”  
  
“...You named your hawk Tony?”

 

\---  
  
“Hey, V! There's a way out up here!” The raven yelled, pointing to a hole in the ceiling. A shrieking cry echoed back from the hole. “Oh, wait, never mind.”

 

“Ugh!” Vaarsuvius responded, flying backwards into a wall as the Xorn punched forward with its center hand. Responding with a giant pink fist that clasped around its target, the elf took to the air once more. “This method of engagement is highly inefficient! I intended to avoid melee combat entirely with our current maneuvers, but these... things were clearly designed to habituate in such environments. Curse that druid's byzantine summoned creatures list!”

 

“Not to alarm you, but we got more company coming in from above,” said Blackwing, “and it's probably a bit tougher than me.”  
  
“If your present enhancements will not suffice, then we shall initiate our preconceived backup maneuver for such situations.”

  
“Wait... you mean... plan AWESOME?”  
  
The wizard's groan echoed off the cavern walls.

  
\---  
  


“Impossible!” the gnome yelled angrily. “Both my Xorn have returned to the outer planes, and my companion is no longer responding! We must prepare for a further assault.”   
  
“Bull's strength!” Pompeii replied, looking nervously back towards the exit as he expended his enhancement spell on the gnome. “So, can you turn back into that whirlwind thingy?”  
  
“No, only once per day,” the gnome said, adding spells of his own to the mix. “Bear's Endurance! I could take a lesser form, perhaps, but nothing so powerful as the creatures I have already sent. We must manage this through spellpower alone.”   
  
There was a short pause. “Well?” the gnome said, questioningly.

 

“Oh! Um... Summon Monster I?”

 

A centipede popped into existence, scurrying forward towards the wall.

 

“...You have to be kidding me.”  
  
“I'm just going to go stand over behind this wall. Best of luck!”   
The pink wall flickered and vanished into thin air. The gnome gasped and stepped backwards in dismay. Pompeii peeked out from his hiding spot.   
  
In the mouth of the tunnel a looming megaraptor stood, its foot resting on the squashed remains of a centipede, a battered hawk gently clasped within its teeth. A stern looking figure in red robes sat upon its back.  
  
“Hey!” said the raptor, dropping the hawk onto the ground. “Hey! Guess what I am now!”  
  
Leeky raised his staff, trembling with rage. “Y-you heartless, natureless bastard! You think your tricks can stop me? I'm just getting warmed up! No mere wizard can stop me! I am Leeky Windstaff, evil gnome druid!”  
  
Vaarsuvius snorted. “I did stop you, and it only took a single spell off my list. Since you have demonstrated no propensity to counter it from within your own prepared selection, here is another in that same vein. Forcecage!”

  
A windowless purple cube sprang up around the druid, trapping him within its grasp. The gnome snarled, his form shifting half into that of a black bear, then bouncing back again as the wall refused to give.   
  
Dropping to his knees, the gnome raised his staff into the air and threw back his head.  
  


“Noooooooooo! Curse you, wizard!”  
  
“Wait, that actually worked?” Blackwing said. “I've... never seen that happen before.”  
  
“Then we are fortunate this particular rule is not disproved by its many, many exceptions.” Vaarsuvius said, sternly. “Now, who's that hiding further down the tunnel, and why is he of consequence?”   
  
Pompeii shrank back behind the corner, pressing his back to the wall. “Ah, stay back!” he shouted. “I know a third level spell now!”  
  
\---  
  


“So....” Pompeii said, sitting on his hands next to the cage as a maniacally giggling raven gently wrapped a rope around him. “Are you going to arrest us now?”

 

“Arrest you?” Vaarsuvius said, nose wrinkling up. “For what?”  
  
The gnome pressed up against the bars of his cage. “For my nefarious...”  
  
“Nefarious or no, whatever you are doing out here is in legitimate opposition with a known dictator, or at the very least, the puppet government with which he wields his military force. I have no interest in submitting you to his agency of enforcement. I am not lawful, and I do not recognize his laws as valid, much like the rebel groups with whom we have recently consorted.”  
  
“Rebel groups? Wait, like, bring down the government rebels?” Pompeii said. “We've been trying to raise up a crew like that for weeks! Man, you are so totally badass.”  
  


“Be silent, fool!” The gnome shouted.  
  
“No, you be silent!” Vaarsuvius said, voice booming. “In fact... Silence!”   
  
The gnome opened his mouth, but no further sound emerged. Vaarsuvius leaned in close.  
  
“I will repeat this once again, so listen wisely. I am getting back to my airship and removing my personage from this awful desert. Your cage should dissolve within a day or two. You may consider that your sentence for wasting my time, for I am on a mission of far greater importance and have no interest in dealing with further interruptions, whatever petty solo experience they may offer. I am here for rare components material to my spells, and you are of no consequence to me whatsoever! Which is why I am leaving!”  
  
The raven raised both his wings. “Thus speaks Vaarsuvius, neutral elven wizard!”  
  


\---  
  


Exiting the mouth of the tunnels, bird and elf spiraled upwards into the desert twilight, orienting themselves. “Well,” said Blackwing, “that was a lark of a sidequest. I think you might have even convinced him to join up with the rebels.”  
  
“Regardless, it will be of little consequence to Tarquin's legacy.”  
  
“Hey, now. Most battles are fought one little consequence at a time. That's how big differences can be made – well, you know, that and the big consequences.”  
  
“I suppose I am keenly aware of both, having experienced them both firsthand.” Vaarsuvius said. The elf was silent for a moment. “Blackwing... Did you... really mean what you said back in that cavern?”  
  
“Mean what? What did I say?”  
  
“The... statement that you made with regards to my alignment and class.”  
  
“What, about you being an Elven Wizard? Well, uh... yeah, V. I kind of thought that was obvious. I mean, that's why it was so annoying as Leeky's shtick, right?”  
  
“Even the... neutral aspect?”  
  
“Oh, for crying out... do you think you're evil? Like with a capital E?”  
  
Vaarsuvius looked away, back out into the twilight. “I have little doubt that I would register as such given the appropriate divinatory test. If the stains of that lich's actions could change Roy's alignment in the eyes of a paladin, then, objectively, the stains of my actions would do the same. And...” The elf's head bobbed, hair whipping in the wind. “I have killed so many.”  
  
The raven cycled around to the front of the column, flapping backwards as he faced his wizard. “Look at me, V. You made a mistake. You know you made a mistake. Admittedly, it was a huge, epic, colossal mistake, with consequences that... you may never be able to undo. Does that make you evil? No. It changes you, but... you get to decide how. And how it changes you is what makes you, you.   
  
“I know you, and I know that dealing with this is hard for you. But you're trying anyways. That's how I know you're not evil, and that's how I know that you're gonna come out of this a wiser, better person. Because I know that anything else is just unacceptable for you.”  
  
The elf was silent, face blank, but something silently passed between the two, and Vaarsuvius' posture seemed, just for a moment, to lighten. They resumed their course, flying close together in silence.

  
They looped over the mountainside, the star-lit sky illuminating the back end of an enormous airship several miles off. Nodding to each other, wizard and familiar turned towards it, setting sail for the Mechane.  
  
“Besides,” Blackwing said, “if any two-bit paladin wants to say otherwise, I'll just crush them between my superhuman jaws!”  
  
From the wizard's mouth came the hint of a smirk. “Very well. But only if we come up with a better name for that maneuver than 'Plan Awesome.'”  
  
“Aww!”  
  



End file.
